upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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