I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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