I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Sorry about my life...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
