Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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