And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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