Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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