i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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