dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Randomize
