I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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