WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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