curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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