hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
