She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
