Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
