i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
