what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
