Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
