Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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