Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
