I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize