Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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