My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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