I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
