there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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