I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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