Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
