We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
