Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
