I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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