a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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