Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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