please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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