just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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