he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
