Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
