is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
