I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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