is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
