I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
