dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
