Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
