I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
