remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
