mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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