the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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