Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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