Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
