She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
