ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
