I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
