i would punch a child for taco bell
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
