You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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