no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
