Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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