we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
