It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
