Four minutes until I can fart!
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My bed smells like the plague
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
