The beers last night were like the tears from god
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
