so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Randomize
